New Year's Tag | 2015

1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

I went away alone for the first time. I also started driving and going to the gym regularly.

2. What countries did you visit?

Sardinia in Italy, Vienna in Austria, Germany, France, England

3. What moments from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory?

Passing my drivers test, my break up, my sister's wedding, spending time with family and friends.

4. Where did most of your money go?

I didn't spend so much this year, so I would say on clothes and home decor.

5. What song will always remind you of 2015?

Major Lazer - Lean on & Cold War Kids - First

 6. What do you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I had got into contact with more people earlier even though I'm still glad I did. I also started being healthy and I've been able to see a huge difference already. 

7. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Spend time being sad.

8. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?

Partying with my best friend.

9. Did you fall in love in 2015?

I've been trying to love myself more.

10. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, it's still a waste of time and energy. There's already too much hate in the world.

11. What did you want and get?

I go my drivers' license finally! I also started therapy for my mental health. I stepped out of  my comfort zone a lot.

12. What did you want and not get?

I wanted to travel more and I did but I wasn't able to go to Prague due to an injury.

13. What were your favourite film(s), TV show(s) and games of this year?

Films: Interstellar

TV shows: How to Get Away With Murder, Scandal, Quantico, Orphan Black, Agents of Shield, Daredevil, Agent Carter, Jane the Virgin, Scorpion

Games: Dying Light

14. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 23 and we went bowling.

15. Who was the best new person/people you met?

My brother's girlfriend, Andrea and I also got back in touch with some amazing people that I'm so grateful to have in my life!

16. Did you learn anything?

I learnt how to drive and I learnt how to cope with my depression slightly better.

17. Who did you spend Valentines Day with?

My ex.

18. Do you live in the same place you did at the beginning of the year?

Yep.

19. Did you change your hair?

I got a fringe cut in earlier this year, then I had more layers put in and finally I had it dyed, balayage style.

20. Any weddings in 2015?

Yes! My sister finally got married in August.

21. Any babies in 2015?

Nope.

22. So overall was it a good year?

It had its ups and downs.

23. Were you naughty or nice?

Mostly nice, I've been working hard on bettering myself.

24. What's your New Year's Resolution?

To try and be happier, continue going to the gym, keep going out of my comfort zone, get a tattoo, the list goes on.

Happy New Year everyone! 

Birthdays

Not only is today my lovely little monkey Molly's birthday but it's also my blogs 4th birthday! I haven't exactly been the best at keeping up with it but I'm trying to be more consistent.

My mum baked yummy little dog treats for Molly and then we went on a long walk in the woods as opposed to our usual, boring cycle path walk. Molly was so excited to be going in the car and bounded out of the house just to get to it. As soon as she saw we weren't anywhere near the vets she jumped out of the car with glee and galloped off onto the path. She also got a few extra treats for being such a good girl and not barking at any dogs, humans, leaves falling from the trees, etc...

I can't believe out beautiful baby is already 10 years old, time goes by so fast. But she still looks and acts like a puppy, full of energy and excitement. And she loves her walks despite being stubborn at times. 

Depression

So I’ve been MIA for the last few months and I really want to start blogging again but I thought I owed some kind of explanation for my blogging silence.

This is probably going to be difficult for me as it’s hard to put into words but I’m going to try anyway as it may help someone one day.

Rewind back to January 2011, from the outside (and the inside but I’ll get into that later) I had a pretty great life. I was doing well in school, in my second last year, I had a great family, a lovely boyfriend and a handful of good friends. Pretty great, like I said. One day however, I tried to kill myself. That looks so weird and so meaningless, just a few words that mean something way bigger and more important. The details of that day are fuzzy. I can’t tell you if it was a Monday or a Tuesday, if it had been snowing or raining. What I can tell you is this. (Disclaimer that this could be a trigger to some people so skip the next few rows). At around 10pm I had a massive panic attack, I couldn’t breathe and I felt terrible. And then suddenly I had a huge pair of scissors in my hand and I slit my wrist. I can remember my mum and my boyfriend desperately trying to stop me. And that’s it, that’s all I remember from that night and that was when everything changed. And again, most of that year especially that time is still fuzzy so bear with me.

I missed a lot of school following that incident. I was taken to a doctor who diagnosed me with depression. It should be noted, and I am ashamed of this, that I was one of those people who didn’t understand mental illness at all and thought depression was just a case of a bad day and an over exaggeration. Obviously I know better now, a cruel way to teach me a lesson. I was given several different pills to take during the next few months and they were pretty much useless in my eyes because I didn’t miraculously feel better. So I stopped taking them.

I was sent to a psychologist and I told her everything about me. She suggested that my depression stemmed from my childhood, as I was bullied (physically and verbally) for a lot of my primary school years. For example I was once forced to climb out of window because two girls had thought it would be hilarious to lock me in a room. But it didn’t make sense to me, being depressed because of situations that I had already got over. She then tried to say it was due to my parents’ marriage failing but I had to ask myself ‘would I really try to die, to end my life, because of one tiny bad thing?. I should explain. My family had been through many terrible events, my older sister had cancer when she was a teenager (thankfully she is ok now) and my little sister had been in an awful bus crash (she is also ok now). Our family had been through our fair share of crappy situations and we had always bounced back. So why would this tiny thing make me want to die? I stopped going to see her shortly afterwards.

I had to see the headmistress of my school. I remember her saying that I could always come back whenever I wanted to. But I also remember her comparing me to a classmate who had been through a lot worse than I had. She basically told me that I had no right to feel this way. And that’s when I figured it out. I kept thinking ‘I don’t want this, I didn’t choose this’ and it was so true, it felt like a tiny weight off of my shoulders. I hadn’t chosen to feel this way, like I had to die, like I had to self-harm. It wasn’t a choice, it wasn't a feeling, as simple as that! It was something I had no control over, it was an illness, more specifically a mental illness, just like any other illness but with no visible symptoms.

It’s hard for people to wrap their head around it. An invisible illness. So many people I know can’t understand it, but not for lack of trying. The only people who really get it are the ones going through it too. I was told that people had spread rumours about me, that I was pregnant. It all felt like a sick joke. If only it were that simple.

I did try to return to school on several occasions, each time I had massive panic attacks and couldn’t get out of the car. From then on my anxiety made the smallest things difficult, like going out alone, getting buses, talking on the phone, etc. Talking about what was going on in my mind was impossible. Even now I’m not sure I can write exactly how I feel but I’ll give it a try. Some days are bad, some are worse and good days are rare. On the bad days, I don’t want to live. I feel so tired all the time and living and trying to act like everything is ok is so exhausting. It makes being productive so hard. The days that are worse are the ones filled with panic attacks and self-harming. It’s like I’m a ticking time bomb on those days, no one not even I know when it’ll get bad.

I would say I feel trapped. When asked to describe the experience, to draw it, I ended up drawing a dark corridor where the door to escape is so far away, no matter how hard I try to reach it, it keeps going further away. When I do have panic attacks and the moment before I self-harm, I can’t explain it at all. It’s like a huge, destructive pain that I can’t pinpoint so it feels like it’s all over. I can’t breathe and I can’t call for help. The only way I can end the feeling is by self-harming, which is obviously a terrible way to end it. There are voices in my head telling my to cut deeper, to end it all and I think those voices were the hardest thing that I had to come to terms with. Saying you have voices in your head is admitting that there is something seriously, mentally wrong. And it scared me. The fact that I could hear a version of myself, pointing out every bad thing, telling me to end my life, admitting to that terrified me. But it’s there and ignoring it won’t make it better. And it’s hard, having to live like it’s all ok, so as not to worry your loved ones. And sometimes the voices tell you that your loved ones don’t love you and that no one cares about you, not really. And it all takes it’s toll.

Fast forward to January of this year, and I could not shake the feeling that I was going to die soon. After three years of trying to cope with it all on my own  in secret, it felt like it had lead up to this moment and that I was going to end my life. Just a month before I had cut myself way too deep and I felt like I was losing control. For months I had felt like I was suffocating and I saw a way out, the voices were showing me a way out. I had a choice to make; give in and die or get help. So I got help. I went to my doctor in February, the one who had diagnosed me back in 2011 and I let it all out, I told him everything. I had made a list that included the pain everywhere, the fact that for 4 years I had been unable to sleep properly, that I had no motivation to do anything I once loved, that I felt like I had no future, the constant guilt, that my problems weren’t as bad as other people’s, the awful suffocating feeling that I couldn’t get rid of. And it felt so good to tell someone, it really did. And he said it must have been so hard to live with all of this and for once I felt like I was able to agree. I didn’t feel guilty anymore. Because, yes other people go through worse, but that doesn’t mean you should trivialise your own problems and never be sad.

Since then I’ve been going to CBT sessions and have been on new pills. And this time I knew there was no miraculous one second cure, but that it takes time and effort. Recovery is hard and it requires a huge amount of courage and patience. And I’ve noticed differences. I’ve finally started my driving licence, I got on a plane alone to visit my sister, I went for a walk on my own. Just a few days ago I managed to get a bus on my own. All little things to most people, but gigantic things to me. My favourite coping technique is to put content into context, which in short means reminding yourself that you are more than just your mind and your thoughts. You have to close your eyes and feel your feet on the ground, your back against your chair and breathe deeply. It's really soothing and can be helpful if you feel like you are having a panic attack.

I don’t feel like I can tell you exactly what to do if you are in the same position as me, everyone reacts to different treatments differently. But I can advise you to write everything down and go and see a doctor who can give you proper advice in order to help you out. It seems impossible but it is 100% possible. You just need a little shove in the right direction, a little patience and a little courage.

I'll leave a few helpful links here as well:

studentsagainstdepression mind

source

Christmas Snippets

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Eve

Hi everyone,

We are spending Christmas away from home and I wanted to share a quick little update with you all. We are in a little village called Les Gets in France and were supposed to be spending the whole week skiing. Unfortunately there isn't enough snow and only one small blue ski run is open. I suppose it's a blessing in disguise for me personally, as I've been really ill and don't seem to be improving despite all the medicine I have to take. Being sick for Christmas is never fun! We've been making the best out of it though and have been having a fun time exploring and going for walks. There's also an ice rink in town and I definitely want to give it a go despite not being that great at ice skating.

It's also the first time our dog, Molly, has been away from home so it has been quite the adventure for her. She adores the snow and was really excited to play in what little snow we could find. She also met a friend called Billy who took a liking to her ,so much so that he followed us back to our chalet which is quite a long way from the village center for a dog! We called his owner who came to collect him and that was the end of a beautiful (slightly stalker like) friendship. 

I hope you are all having a great Christmas Eve!